Previously on According to Doyle.
Welcome to the 2019 ranking of 20 selected breakfast cereal advertising mascots.
The were ultimately five criteria used to select mascots:
- The mascot must be currently in use
- The mascot must be a U.S. cereal mascots
- The mascot must be a cartoon or a drawing
- The mascot must not just be a nugget of the cereal with a face or limbs
- The mascot must be solely associated with the cereal (i.e. – no Flintstones)
Furthermore, I nixed all the Whole Foods cereal mascots because to heck with those creepy things.
Having selected the mascots, I ranked them on three main criteria:
Evilness – the goal of a good cereal mascot is to sell something (often something unhealthy) to (usually) children, which makes them ipso facto evil. However, I note that most of them also embody some sort of evil unto themselves because it makes them cool and appealing to the consumer. I’ve noted what I perceive to be the chief sin of each mascot.
Design – some mascots are just better designed than others.
Nostalgia – does looking at the mascot ignite my inner child’s desire to feast on sugary marshmallows until it’s an uncontrollable nightmare creature?
I assigned 1-5 points in each of these categories (5 being the best. When two mascots tied, I ranked them in order of which I thought would win in hand to hand combat. Using this inarguably objective set of criteria, I created the list you’re about to read (or at least scan through to make sure your favorites “won”). I invite you to invent an RPG based on these stats.
I didn’t consider the quality of the cereal at all in ranking, though I might address my recollection of the quality of the cereal in the individual entries.
Note – The cover image for this entry is the Kaboom clown from the defunct cereal of that name. I remember fondly my days in Monroe, Connecticut enjoying bowls of Kaboom which are more notable for being in the shape of smiling faces of the damned than for any particular flavor.
20. King Vitamin
Sin: Obscurity
Evil: 1
Design: 1
Nostalgia: 1
I had no idea there was a mascot named King Vitamin before I started working on this list. In fact, I had no idea that there was a cereal called King Vitamin before I started this list. In fact, between when I started working on this list and now, this cereal was discontinued. This should be ground for removing it from the list, but I drew it already. Usually, I am somewhat embarrassed by my MS-Paint versions of anything, but in this rare case I feel like my clunky representation of this mascot is actually significantly better than the real thing. King Vitamin is so obscure that he can’t actually do much harm to anyone, his design is poor and I have no memory of him in any of his incarnations (there have been at least three King Vitamins and the middle one was portrayed by a human actor, which raises some questions about the line of succession is the Vitamin Kingdom).
19. CinnaMon and Bad Apple
Sin: Kinda Racist Maybe?
Evil: 3
Design: 1
Nostalgia: 1
Perhaps inspired by how the world embraced Jar Jar Binks, Apple Jacks decided to build its 21st century ad campaign around a Jamaican cinnamon stick named CinnaMon and a generically obnoxious apple named Bad Apple. I had never heard of either of these mascots before working on this list which tanked their Nostalgia score. I feel like these are the kinds of mascots you get design when the Adult Swim cartoon you’re working on becomes a moderate hit and you’re invited to work for an ad agency. Like you and your fellow stoned bro sit around in his parent’s duplex, scarfing down his kid sibling’s Apple Jacks because you had the munchies and didn’t want to drive to the store. One of you says the word “Cinna-Mon” and you both laugh until you can barely breath. “That’s our ad campaign – a cinnamon stick with dreads.” Somehow, you convince Apple Jacks this is a good idea. When you sober up and see the commercials, you feel a little bad, but you still cash the checks.
18 Chip the Wolf
Sin: Identity Theft
Evil: 3
Design: 2
Nostalgia: 1
The following is a true story. Once, there was a wizard named Cookie Jarvis who was designed to sell a whole generation on the idea that chocolate chip cookies were an acceptable breakfast option. Nobody like to work alone, so he was eventually joined by a playful nemesis named Cookie Crook. Once an element of criminality was introduced, Cookie Cop was added to the batter. Cookie Jarvis retired (I assume to the Vitamin Kingdom to be court wizard for King Vitamin) and Chip the Dog was introduced as a friend to the Cookie Crook. Then this vital world was retconned out of existence and Chip the Wolf was introduced as the sole representative of Cookie Crisp. He is basically a rabbit in wolf’s clothing – his schtick is that some kids have Cookie Crisp and he wants it. I guess if you’re going to steal an identity, steal it from somebody more successful than you. In the end, a whole generation of Americans came to believe that cookies were an acceptable form of breakfast food regardless of whether they were a cereal or not. I imagine 1 out of 5 or so Gen-X type 2 diabetics could potentially blame this ad campaign.
17. Sunny
Sin: I don’t know. Famine?
Evil: 1
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 1
Sunny is a star who wields two golden scoops of raisins into battle, smiting her enemies with withered grapes and deadly cancer-causing solar radiation – not to mention the incinerating heat of a yellow star. If you wish to stay on her good side, eat the sugar coated flakes she offers you. I’ve ranked Sunny down on both evil and nostalgia because I have no recollection of her – even my memories of ads for Raisin Bran (a cereal where, after three minutes in milk, the raisins are crunchier than the flakes) are minimal. I kind of like the current 3D modelled design and also like how Sunny looks like she might be Big Mom’s homie Prometheus from One Piece.
16. Quisp
Sin: Arrogance
Evil: 1
Design: 3
Nostalgia: 3
I don’t recall eating either Quisp or its “rival” cereal Quake as a child, or ever. A quick review of a commercial suggests that the character’s main personality trait was a belief that his cereal “was better” than, specifically, Quake, but perhaps everything. In another commercial, he ignores sound military advice solely because he is entirely focused on delivering his sugary death nubs to the children of the 60’s. Quisp is apparently extremely popular among many people – so much so that it is brought back every year or so even though it has long been discontinued. Quisp seems to be more annoying than evil, his design isn’t quite 60’s retro-cool but it does make me long for some of the cool design of that era, so I suppose that’s a kind of nostalgia.
15. BuzzBee
Sin: Lust
Evil: 1
Design: 3
Nostalgia: 3
Bees are the reproductive system of the flower kingdom. These little players fly from flower to flower helping them get it on. They return to the hive and use everything they’re coated in to make honey. This goes on your cereal or in your tea. Bees aren’t evil – quite the opposite in fact. BuzzBee loves the honey he has made with his body and wants to share it with you. I never much cared for him or his cereal as a kid but I do recall the commercials in the dim recesses of my memory. Furthermore, before I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes (thanks, American breakfast cereals for that, by the way) Honey Nut Cheerios were occasionally a part of my imbalanced adult breakfast.
14. Dig ‘Em Frog
Sin: None
Evil: 1
Design: 3
Nostalgia: 3
I remember Dig ‘Em Frog from my youth, but not fondly. I don’t know that I have ever eaten this cereal so clearly this mascot never convinced me to try Sugar Smacks (later simply Smacks but now Honey Smacks). My recollection of Dig ‘Em Frog is that he was sort of the idiot savant of breakfast cereal mascots, capable of only saying “Dig ‘Em” and otherwise having a sort of perfect zen-like existence. He knows nothing, he does nothing, he aspires to nothing. I am loathe to watch any commercials for fear of spoiling my (almost certainly false) image of him as a truly innocent mascot.
13. Snap, Crackle and Pop
Sin: Inconsiderate
Evil: 1
Design: 2
Nostalgia: 4
Three elves named Snap, Crackle and Pop who are all caucasian and male (like most of these mascots) and who don’t, to my memory, have different personalities. I seem to recall that the ad campaign of my youth involved them interupting quiet occasions with their rudely loud cereal. I also recall that the soft snap that the cereal made did not make up for the fact that it was as bland as paper mache. I absolutely recall scooping sugar onto it in the hopes that the individual nuggets of cereal would fill up with sweetness, but inevitably the sugar floated to the bottom and only the milk was sweet. How completely disappointing. There are so many potentially ineresting ways these three could be designed but they’re so bland that I didn’t even remember they existed until I saw them and then ten years of commercials came flooding back into my head (without any helpful clues regarding the personalies of the elves). If I ever get to run my dream DnD campaign, my players will encounter a trio of Drow elves based on these guys.
12. Boo Berry
Sin: Theft
Evil: 2
Design: 2
Nostalgia: 4
Apparently, after Peter Lorre died, he was cursed to return as a cartoon ghost to hawk blueberry flavored cereal to children. Either that of Boo Berry just stole Lorre’s vocal tics. Boo Berry was slightly evil because he was able to scare (or at least startle) Franken Berry and Count Alfred Chocula sometimes. I remember being very excited when he wsas added to the pantheon of monster cereal mascots, but also remember the cereal being revolting – and I love blueberries. The cereal tasted less like blueberries and more like sugared windshield wiper fluid.
11. The Quaker
Sin: Sacrilegious
Evil: 1
Design: 5
Nostalgia: 3
This Quaker works on Sundays – bad quaker! He works every day of the week. He is especially well designed – his image has been more or less the same for like 70 years. I currently eat oatmeal daily and confess that I can’t tell the difference between Quaker Oats and any of a half dozen generic versions of oatmeal. Oatmeal is pretty good for you, but I hated it as a kid and, frankly, having a smiling dude in Revolutionary War era clothing on the box did nothing to sell me on it. I didn’t like hot cereal and I didn’t like mushy cereal, so lose/lose for me at age 9.
10. Cornelius Rooster
Sin: Rude
Evil: 1
Design: 5
Nostalgia: 3
I could have gladly gone the rest of my life not knowing that this rooster had a name. I blame Tony Pisculli and Steph Kong for sending me down this path, since they suggested this topic. I’ve got to say, wow, this is a great design – I love how the disconnected pieces and the strong, solid colors combine to suggest the fowl. I don’t recall the rooster having a particular personality, but I know roosters tend to crow whenever the heck they want to and not just at dawn which is pretty rude. I’ve never been a Corn Flakes fan but I especially disliked them as a kid because they were not sweetened and no amount of spooned-in sugar made them better.
9. Sonny
Sin: No sin, just addiction
Evil: 1
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 4
I feel so bad for Sonny. He is so badly addicted to Coco Puffs that he loses all control when there’s a chance he might have some. This is not a sin – he is an addict. In the U.S.A, we were raised to be sugar addicts. When I found out I hade Type 2 diabetes and had to quit sugar, I went through a really crappy 6-8 weeks where my body hurt like crazy and I had flu symptoms. I’m surprised to admit that once this addiction was broken, I stopped craving sugar entirely and (frankly) find things with a lot of processed sugar to be unbearably sweet now. Poor Sonny is deep in the throes of his addiction and won’t be able to quit Coco Puffs until he bottoms out, which will be tough because he currently surrounds himself with children who enable his addiction. I never really liked chocolate cereals so Coco Puffs were never my thing. Sonny is a well designed mascot though and one who stands out in my mind from years of watching the poor bird succumb to the monkey on his back.
8. Sugar Bear
Sin: Dealin’
Evil: 5
Design: 3
Nostalgia: 3
There’s no two ways around this. If Sonny is an addict, Sugar Bear is a pusher. He acts all cool, comes to your neighborhood, and tries to get you to eat his Super Sugar Crisp (now called Golden Crisp, though it’s essentially the same). The first bowl is free, but after that you gotta pay, kid. Pay with your teeth and your long term health. Also, pay money. Sugar Crisp had the texture of styrofoam even before you poured milk onto it and turned into a gross, soggy mess once you did. Every bite tasted of disappointment to me as a child and yet I must have still asked for it from time to time because it was a not infrequent breakfast option.
7. Cap’n Crunch
Sin: Wrath
Evil: 2
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 5
Captain Crunch has finally cornered his enemy Jean LaFoote out in a field. While he is standing over a kneeling LaFoote. A delivery truck pulls up and the duvet brings a box to Captain’s partner, Harry S. Hippo. “It smells fruity,” says Harry. “What’s in the box,” asks the Captain. “I had a visit with a friend of yours – the Crunchberry Beast. I envied your friendship,” LaFoote says, never breaking eye contact. Harry opens the box and recoils at what’s inside. “What’s in the box,” demands the Captain angrily, his saber drawn at LaFoote. “It seems envy was my sin, so I took a souvenier.” “Put the saber down, Captain,” Harry demands. “What’s in the box! Tell me what’s in the box!” The Captain cries, increasingly distraught. “It isn’t part of a balanced breakfast,” Lafoote says calmly. “Give me the saber, Captain. If you do this, LaFoote wins.”
6. Lucky the Leprechaun
Sin: Greed
Evil: 3
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 5
Lucky is using reverse psychology on you. He loves his cereal so much that he doesn’t want you to have Lucky Charms under any circumstances. This half-assed Irish stereotype has abandoned his pot of gold for a box of appalling flavorless cereal chunks mixed with crunchy marshmallows that you had better eat fast before they disolve into spongy milk blobs. Just when you’ve lost interest in the cereal, they add a new color and shape of marshmallow and you ask your mom to buy you more because maybe this new marshmallow has some new amazing flavor. It doesn’t. Each marshamallow tastes the same regardless of its shape or color. Behind your back, Lucky laughs at you and counts his money and invests it in his real treasure – his stock portfolio. The cereal milk, however, was a real treat.
5. Trix Rabbit
Sin: Gluttony
Evil: 3
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 5
Lucky tries to lure you into eating his cereal by pretending he doesn’t want you to eat it. The Trix Rabbit’s sales technique is unbridled enthusiasm for the product mixed with making you feel privilidged to eat it – after all, he never can. Rabbits will eat Trix if you offer it to them, which I imagine is frowned upon by the ASPCA. The Trix Rabbit stands out in my memory perhaps because he seemed to me – even as a kid – as a rip-off of Bugs Bunny. Bugs would be way, way too cool to eat this crap – Trix cereal was almost never as satisfying as it looked. The little round crunchy clobules felt weird on the roof of your mouth and were one of the few cereals that were improved when they became a little moist (but not too moist).
4. Tony the Tiger
Sin: Deceit
Evil: 2
Design: 5
Nostalgia: 5
No, they’re not great. They’re merely good. Your hyperbole is a real turn off, Tony. I remember his commercials as being an endless series of Tony crashing upper middle class white kids’ impossibly well built tree houses and sharing his cereal with the residents. I think Frosted Flakes were intended to fool parents into thinking they were giving their kids corn flakes – or maybe to trick kids into eating cornflakes by dousing them with sugar. They became a floppy mess if left in the bowl for too long. Tony is iconic and arguably the second best designed character on this list (after Cornelius the Rooster). He’s just not quite evil enough – being an enthusiastic pitchman might be a reason Bill Hicks would condemn your soul to hell, but it’s not enough in the highly evil world of breakfast cereal mascots.
3. Franken Berry
Sin: Sloth
Evil: 3
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 5
Really, people, surely this is Franken Berry’s monster. Dr. Franken Berry is the truly evil one for playing God. He assembled this poor monster out of the parts of deceased cartoon characters and other people’s intellectual property so he could be a terrifying pitchman for strawberry flavored cereal. The monster appeared in a series of commercials with his roommate and frenemy Count Alfred Chocula. He always seemed to be a laid back kind of dude to me – more because of his vocal pattern than anything. Furthermore, unlike other reanimated corpses, this monster had no real desire to go out and search for his place in society. Thus, I ascribe the sin of sloth to him, perhaps unfairly. I recall Franken Berry the cereal being absolutely vile, but I always wanted it because of the marshmallows and the advertising.
2. Toucan Sam
Sin: Pride
Evil: 4
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 5
Toucan Sam *always* knows the flavor of fruit and will tell you about it until you want to tape his multi-colored beak shut. However, Toucan Sam is wrong – evidence suggests he doesn’t really pick up the scent of fruit, but the scent of sugary flavored cereal. Now, this was probably my favorite cereal as a kid (though I also quite liked Apple Jacks) but by the time I hit college, it was already way, way too sweet for me – much like my favorite candy from my youth, Spree. They say your tastebuds change a bunch of times over the course of your life and wow in college all I wanted for breakfast was salty stuff. If they’d made a bacon flavored cereal that I could eat without milk and was actually crispy, freshly cooked bacon, I would have eaten that. In fact I did. It was called bacon. I was able to follow my nose to that pretty unerringly. Toucan Sam’s “follow my nose” jingle is lodged in my head more firmly than any other ad slogan. His colorful design is clean and crisp (like the cereal) and he evilly tricked me into thinking I was eating something with actual fruit content. Well, ok, I never really believed that, but I wanted to.
1. Count Alfred Chocula
Sin: He’s a Goddamned Vampire
Evil: 5
Design: 4
Nostalgia: 5
He serves you chocolate flavored cereal in the morning so he can get his sugar fix when he sinks his fangs into your neck and drinks your blood. If you die, you become a failed cereal mascot like a freakie or Paul Jung. Humans, he is a vampire and you allowed your children’s love of chocolate to persuade you to invite him into your houses. He can’t come into your houses unless you invite him! What were you thinking? Apparently, his first name is Alfred, though I can’t really find out how we were supposed to know that other than by doing a google search. I was really into monster movies as a kid so I was his natural prey. However, I didn’t like chocolate cereals so I don’t know that I’ve ever actually eaten his cereal. I’m safe from vampires for now. As long as I don’t start… counting things…
Coming Soon: Zodiac signs, But Based Only On The Aesthetics of Their Constellation – Ranked