Previously on According to Doyle.
Thanks to Joe Koenan from Seattle for suggesting this particular category. I would never have realized I have strong (often angry) opinions about constellations or zodiac signs were it not for this list.
I’ve chosen the following formula for ranking constellations, each rated on a scale of 1 through 5 (5 being the best):
Resemblance to the thing it is supposed to be
Ease of spotting it in the night sky without an astronomer pointing it out
Pleasingness (which may not be an actual word) of the general shape to my eye
Ophiuchus is the featured image on this post but I am not buying into the whole “new 13th zodiac sign” business. We’re going with the 12 classic signs and their constellations as described here.
Shall we begin? Signs point to yes.
12. Sagittarius
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: An Archer
What Does It Actually Look Like: I don’t know – a steam operated backhoe?
Resemblance: 1
Ease: 1
Pleasingness: 1
OK, I am Sagittarius and nothing would please me more than being able to rank my own sign higher. I don’t really believe in astrology (one of the hallmarks of being Sagittarius, apparently) but I still want my team to do better than last place. Somehow, this collection of stars is supposed to be an archer (often, but not always, depicted as a centaur) as per this whimsical clip art overlay. I imagine that, once upon a time in ancient Babylon, some people were sitting around one night with nothing better to do. One said “Hey, those stars look like twins” and then everyone joined in saying what patterns they saw in the stars. When they finished, there was a clump of stars left over. “What do those stars look like?” By this time, they’d drunk a lot of fig wine or fig beer or whatever alcohol you make from figs. “I don’t know, it looks a little like an archer.” “No, it looks nothing like an archer.” “Do you have a better idea?” “No.” “Belatsunat, write down that the one is an archer.” “Hang on, I need to invent an alphabet first.” When they told their friends the next day, their friends first said “wow, an alphabet” and then agreed that it did look like an archer because they didn’t want to stay up late enough to see for themselves.
11. Libra
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A set of ancient scales
What Does It Actually Look Like: Your three your old niece’s hand drawn manger scene
Resemblance: 2
Ease: 1
Pleasingness: 1
It is ironic that a constellation meant to represent scales is off balance. Or maybe it’s not since it looks like the longer side is weighed down by an extra star. Speaking of extra stars, you’ll note that the site that I used as a source for my MS-Paint drawings frequently leaves stars that are part of a constellation out of the drawing (like , which seems to be cheating. Witness, for example, that star sitting by itself to the left of Libra. Oh no! Would drawing a line connecting that to the rest of the picture spoil your incredibly accurate representation of a set of scales? Here is an artist’s representation of how this constellation might have appeared to our drunk ancient Babylonian friends. Oh, now I see it.
10. Pisces
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: Fish, or maybe a couple of fish
What Does It Actually Look Like: Two men urinating at the same spot
Resemblance: 1
Ease: 1
Pleasingness: 2
According to this website, this constellation is meant to be a pair of fish with silver ribbons tied to their tails. The ribbons are tied together so the fish can’t swim apart. I suppose this was a normal thing to do to fish in the ancient times. Ptolemy seems to be the origin of this description and the binary star system Alpha Piscium is the star where the ribbons are tied together. Basically, the if you are Pisces, you were born under the sign of bondage fish. I hope this new insight helps you explain some things about yourself.
9. Capricorn
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A sea goat. This is a thing.
What Does It Actually Look Like: A taco that has had an accident
Resemblance: 2
Ease: 2
Pleasingness: 3
“Hey, Belatsunat, write down that that one looks like a water goat.” “Go home, Nabonidus. You’re fig drunk.” For real though Capricorn is a sea goat associated with the Sumerian god Enki. I can sort of imagine this is a goat head with the horns removed. This site has re-imagined Capricorn as sort of a winged pig-goat. Greek mythology suggests that Capricorn is actually Pan, the satyr who apparently could leap in the water and turn his goat legs into a fish tail. The ancients were really all-in on this “damn, that triangle sure looks like a goat fish to me” for centuries.
8. Aries
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A ram
What Does It Actually Look Like: A really skinny dude with short legs walking with a white cane
Resemblance: 3
Ease: 1
Pleasingness: 4
I sort of see the ram here. I was looking at this interactive star atlas and I have to say, if I didn’t have the atlas specifically telling me what to look for, I would not be able to find this particular constellation. I took astronomy in college and learned that I totally loved looking at stars through telescopes. Astronomy was sold to me as a science course I could take with somewhat less math than other science courses. I would like to state, for the record, that this was a cruel marketing lie. Growing up, I sometimes mistook Aries the goat for Ares the Greek God of war. Their only relation is that their names are homonyms. I kind of like the general shape of this constellation- the big X with some extra lines. I don’t know much about ancient Sumerian celestial aesthetics but I know what I like.
7. Cancer
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A crab
What Does It Actually Look Like: A thong but upside down
Resemblance: 1/4
Ease: 3
Pleasingness: 3
This is how this is supposed to look like a crab. I mean, come on, their not even trying to pretend this actually looks like a crab. Based on that drawing, I could draw guitarist Yngwie Malmsteen over this and insist the constellation should be called Rockulese. However, please note that orphan star off to the right. If I were to draw one line over to that, from the central star, suddenly this looks like it might be the kind of creature that would scuttle – like 10,000 metal heads scuttling in synchronicty. The song those metal heads are dancing to is called “Crabulon,” about an ancient crab demon returning to inflict terror on humanity. Holy cats, I propose that we refer to Cancer as Crabulon from now. This makes the sign more metal and has the added benefit of disassociating Cancer from, you know, cancer.
6. Scorpio
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A scorpion
What Does It Actually Look Like: Maui’s fishhook
Resemblance: 4
Ease: 3
Pleasingness: 4
OK, you know, I can see this as a Scorpion tail. Furthermore, it is kind of a neat looking sign and isn’t too difficult to find if you look for it. Once like 15 years ago, I spent a few days at a local camp on a school trip. When I returned home, I opened my backpack to put away my dirty clothes and a scorpion fell out of a pair of boxer shorts. It was a little worse for wear and staggered badly across the bed before I carefully scooped it up and released it safely on my lanai, which is three stories up. I am sure it is living a rich life somewhere in our neighborhood. I am especially impressed that it survived time in my boxer shorts – I barely survive that. I think the top six on my list all sort of look like the thing they’re supposed to be
5. Aquarius
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A man bearing water
What Does It Actually Look Like: A boxer swinging one enormous glove at you
Resemblance: 4
Ease: 4
Pleasingness: 3
I will but that this looks like a water-bearer. I especially like the tap on his back. That way, the vampire can more easily access the blood when she wishes to drink from him. Before plumbing, I imagine that a person bearing water to the village was one of the most important people you’d see that day. Like can you imagine sitting in summer weather in Babylon and you’re crazy thirsty and suddenly you see Mr. Aquarius walking into town with a couple of pitchers of warm water? So much cooler than the Kool-Aid Man (not a constellation but only because major corporations haven’t gotten on board with rebranding configurations of stars to promote their crap). Anyhow, the orphan star down by his right foot looks like a rock that he’s stumbling over. Sorry, village, no water for you today. Mr. Aquarius tripped again.
4. Taurus
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A bull
What Does It Actually Look Like: A person leaping in terror upon seeing a flying cockroach
Resemblance: 3
Ease: 4
Pleasingness: 3
In 1999, I wrote a very brief play called Taurus – I Think That’s Bull (NSFW PDF here). I thought that title was absolutely crazy hilarious in 1999. There’s a character in it named Steve that was named after (and based on) an ad that used to run in New York City on public access cable in the 80’s. I saw it multiple times while staying in the city for two weeks during a Bates college short term theatre trip. We watched at least one play a day for two weeks. I saw Alan Rickman in Les Liaisons Dangereuses on that trip but didn’t realize that was anything significant (I mean, other than that his performance was spectacular) until I looked at the program again in the early 00’s. So, my point is, Steve the guy advertising his body for rent on New York public access cable in the 80’s made such an impression on me that I turned him into a character in a play. Thank you, college.
I kind of see the bull in this constellation and it is pleasing to my, but more importantly, it’s very easy to find. That is a major thing.
3. Virgo
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A virgin
What Does It Actually Look Like: This fan of Titanica from a NSFW Mr. Show sketch
Resemblance: 5
Ease: 4
Pleasingness: 3
Wut. This constellation could have been named after any existing category of human. A monarch, a worker, a heroic figure. Belatsunat and Nabonidus looked at it and said “definitely a virgin.” Do better, ancient Babylonians. While this doesn’t resemble a virgin, per se, it resembles a stick figure and since any given stick figure may or may not be a virgin, I suppose it looks like one. I don’t judge you, stick figures, virgins or not.
2. Gemini
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: Twins
What Does It Actually Look Like: Twins, but one is doing the Stanky Leg
Resemblance: 5
Ease: 5
Pleasingness: 3
My brain sees the twins here immediately. Furthermore, I would like to suggest that the Minnesota Twins consider making this constellation their hat logo. There is a certain belief that Gemini suggests a person who has two sides and this constellation proves that. One of the twins is pretty straight laced, but the one on the right is here to party. The second twin is possibly already hopped up on the fermented fig juice and are ready to kick it to some mad lyre jams.
1. Leo
What Is It Supposed To Look Like: A lion
What Does It Actually Look Like: Well, damn, I see a lion
Resemblance: 5
Ease: 4
Pleasingness: 5
Leo wins because this looks like a lion, because it’s pretty easy to find in the night sky and because looking at kitties – even abstract versions of mighty jungle cats – makes me happy. I assume the two orphan stars are just what the star gods placed around the lion to accent it’s awesomeness – the way you might put stars around a doodle to show off how cool your picture is. There used to be lions in ancient Greece (and Europe in general) but as humans drove them into extinction in those areas I suppose they looked for one in the sky so they could remember what they looked like. Anyhow, lions may be gone from Europe, but Leo still stalks around in the sky at night like a total boss. Congratulations, Leos. The constellation of your zodiac sign totally owns the rest of the signs, including Ophiuchus and the up-to-25 total possible zodiac signs – none of which I’m going to draw.
Coming Soon: Letters of the Alphabet, Ranked.